Okay, everybody, listen up.
Let me just say, uh,
the killing of these teenagers has been tragic, but, uh...
Hey, you know, shit happens.
Sheriff! Sheriff!
- Yes, Miss Thunderstorm. - Have they found Cindy Campbell's father?
- No. - Isn't he a suspect?
That is classified information. Where are you getting that?
I'm sorry, but my sources are strictly confidential, Sheriff.
Hey, Gail.
Gail swallows.
Watch this.
Hello. Who is this?
What?
You wanna kill me?
Oh, God. Hold on.
Cindy, it's for you.
All right, knock it off, Buffy.
Now, as you all have heard, there is a killer in town...
and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips.
Stay in well-lit areas.
Do not travel alone whenever possible.
Always wipe front to back.
And remember, never, ever believe someone...
when they tell you that shaving your pubic hair...
will rid you of crab infestation.
Now, I understand this is a difficult time for you young ladies.
So if anyone needs to come to my office to talk,
I am here for you.
- What a crock of shit. - It's not, Buffy!
He's real!
Miss Mann?
Come in, dear. Have a seat. Take off your bra if you'd like.
No, thanks.
What can I do for you, Cindy?
I need to talk. See, I have this problem...
and I don't know who to tell.
- Not feeling so fresh? - Huh?
Feminine odorand itching got you down?
Uh, no. No, not that.
Then what is it?
I have a terrible secret.
Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets.
Sometimes we do things we're not so proud of.
Some for money,
others to gain the athletic edge on the competition.
Sometimes those secrets come back to haunt us.
- Aah! - Do you know what I mean?
Yes, I do, um, Miss Mann. Thanks for ball...
I mean, all your help. I have to go to class.
Anytime, dear.
- Buffy, are you coming? - I'll catch up with you guys in a sec.
Red rum.
Hello?
Somebody there?
Hello!
Very funny.
Who put you up to this, Cindy?
Lose the cape. It's way too '90s horror.
Oh, so what movie is this from, Die, Cheerleader, Die?
Wanna play psycho killer? Can I be the helpless cheerleader?
Oh, so this is where I'm supposed to beg for my life?
Please, Mr. Killer, don't kill me.
So is this where I'm supposed to bleed?
Oh, look, I'm bleeding!
Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to run, right?
Okay. I'm running! I'm running! Help!
Help! Now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless.
Aah!
There you go, Mr. Scary Killer. I'm panicking now.
Oh, God! Somebody please help me!
Oh, God, no!
No!
Oh, now what?
I guess this is the big climax. Hope you don't mind if I fake it. Aah!
Oh, look at me. I'm all dead.
I'm a gross, scary severed head. Come on. Please.
Do you know who I am? I'm Miss Teen. You're really giving me a headache.
And you got blood all over my Gucci sweater. I hope you're gonna pay for that.
Ah! I will not be ignored by the likes...
- I'm gonna jump! - Phil, get back in there.
- No! - What are you doing up there?
- Be reasonable. - I can't take this fucking job...
or those greasy shithead teenagers anymore!
- I'm going to end it all! - Wait! Hold on! We're getting help for you!
Now we know Bobby's not the killer. So who is?
I don't know.
If the killer was in your house last night, why didn't he just kill you then?
Because he's just messing with us.
Don't you see? He's got us right where he wants us.
We can't go to the police. He's just out there watching us and waiting for us.
What are you waiting for, huh?
What are you waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
- What am I waiting for? - What are you waiting for?
Fuck you!
Oh, my God.
Ray, I still don't think this party is a good idea.
- You know I'm not gonna let nothin' happen to you. - I just don't feel right.
- Why can't we just do something else? - How about we go to the movies?
Huh? You like that? See a little movie, huh?
- Hey! This is my song! - Hey!
- You know they gave me a shout-out on the album, right? - What?
Every where I go I see the same ho's
Ooh, Brenda.
Did I tell you how sexy you look in my jersey?
- I do, Ray? - Yes.
I like it. Hey, get up. Go over there. Let me see it.
Ooh! Yes, I like that.
- You like that? You like that? - Yeah. Hey!
- Hey, put this on with it.
- Ray, you are so freaky. - That's right. You know I'm freaky, girl.
Go on. Pull it. Pull it up.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ahh!
Yeah. Here. Put this on with it.
Goon.
- Are you sure? - Go on, girl. Go on. Pull it on.
- Okay. - Goon.
- I like that look. - Ooh! I'm bad.
Here. Put this on with it.
Go on, girl. Put it on.
Yeah. Put that shit on there. Come on. Just shove it on.
Do it. Yeah. Ooh, so fucking sexy.
Come here, girl. Bring your little sexy ass over here. Come on!
Full speed. Charge!
Yes! Yes! Come on! Turn around!
Turn around! Come on!
Yes, Brendan! Take it, Brendan! Take it, Brendan!
- Who? - Uh... Uh, Brenda.
Put the helmet on. No, let's role-play. Come on. You get me.
- Come on! Come on! - Huh?
I'm here at Lover's Lookout.
It's dark, it's in the middle of nowhere,
and it's where hormone-driven teens love to come and fool around.
So very likely we're about to see someone get killed.
Okay, sure enough, there's a girl in that car, blouse unbuttoned, all alone.
Let's see if she'll have a word with us.
Hi. Gail Hailstorm, author of the new book You're Next.
- Oh, yeah. - Can you tell us your name?
- Well, my name's Heather. - Can you tell us what you're doing out here all alone?
Well, yeah, sure. My boyfriend and I were just, like, making out...
and then we heard a noise out there, so he went to go check it,
but... well, that was, like, ten minutes ago.
Yeah, yeah. Has it crossed your little mind that your boyfriend was probably murdered...
and you're about to be slaughtered next?
- Really? No way! - Way.
- Heather, good luck. - Okay, thanks, Gail. You're the best.
- Just as I thought. The murder is happening as we speak.
I'm going to try and break in to the bloodshed. Are you getting this?
Excuse me. Heather, can you tell us what you're feeling, honey?
Lots of pain. Gail, please help me. Gail, please!
I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps. Sir, sir, can I get a word with you?
You got a lot of nerve coming here. I'm just trying to do my job.
- Get the camera off me now! You're dead, bitch. - No, Kenny, keep rolling!
I'm gonna slice your head off and shove it up his ass. Get that camera off me!
Oh, my God, Kenny! Kenny, move your fat ass!
Kenny! Oh, my God, he's right behind you!
This man is chasin' Miss Gail.
I'm so scared right now.
I just want to say...
to the family of my cameraman, Kenny,
I am so sorry.
This was my interview,
my story.
It's all my fault.
- You want some popcorn? - Uh-uh. I brought me a little snack of my own.
- You want some chicken? - Nah.
Mm-hmm. For all y'all talkers up in here, it's time to keep it down right now.
Shh.
Shh, back at you. Shh!
Why they actin' already? It ain't nothin' but the previews.
The largest ship the world had ever known.
Its 400 passengers and crew on a maiden voyage to a brave new world.
A journey that would change their lives forever.
Whoo!
I'm the king of the world! Whoo-hoo!
Get your ass back down there, boy!
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick. - The movie about to come on.
I gotta go to the bathroom. Here. Take your hot sauce.
Hurry up, man. Don't be long.
Back up! Let him through!
You can move back some. You don't own the theater.
And they're off!
It's number three in the lead. Number two close behind.
And number three is the winner!
Number two has placed, and number four to show.
Next week's Triple Crown starts at 2:30.
Be here early.
Hey, who was that?
Go ahead. Do it again. Do it again.
Anon.
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
Mm-mmm! Don't goin there!
Lord, I'm gonna have a heart attack!
Man, this is some scary shit!
Oh, I am scared!
- Excuse me. - I think I paid my money like everybody else up in here.
...out of her favor... - That ain't no man.
- You can see her real hair right there! - Do you mind?
I know you better get outta my face!
Outta my face! Outta my face!
This is all me up in here. You handle that.
- Will you shut the fuck up! - Yeah!
Mmm, mmm. This movie is good.
Hey, baby. You came back just in time.
She's about to get it on with Shakespeare.
- She dressing like a man... - Shut up.
Yeah, I got you. I got you on camera.
You on Candid Camera now.
You ain't know that.
Hello. Hey, girl. Uh-uh. I'm in the movie.
Shakespeare In Love. Uh-uh. Ooh! You lying.
For Christ's sake, will you just shut your trap!
- Shut up! - Hold on.
I don't know why y'all is actin' like this.
My girlfriend already seen the movie. She said they don't even stay together in the end.
Give me that.
Right on.
Will you sit down.
Shut up.
Your ass is grass.
- This is for Thelma! - And Louise!
This is for talking through The Fugitive!
- You ruined Schindler's List. - Jackie Chan movies.
- Boogie Nights! - And Big Momma's House!
Aaaaaahhhhh!
And I cannot marry the daughter of Sir Robert De Lesseps.
Um, you guys, there's a few too many people.
Oh, honey, please don't throw... Hey, you guys, stop.
Hey! Hey, please! That's my dad's!
- No, don't touch... Ah, no! - Do you have more beer?
- Um, yeah. Uh, check in the garage.
No, no, no, no! Don't!
Kitty, you scared me.
Horsey. Oh, you scared me too.
Hello? Who's there?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Please, don't!
Please! I'm just a day player!
Oh, my God!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Yeah!
Oh, Bobby. Bobby. I was worried about you.
I thought the killer got to you before I could.
Could what?
I wanna go upstairs. There's something I wanna show you.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- Hey, party on! - Yeah!
- So... - So.
Here we are... again.
Yeah.
And, you know, if you're not ready,
I'll understand.
Bobby.
I am ready.
- You are? - Yeah.
I can't keep fighting these urges.
I have to just give in to them...
and let them flow.
Right.
- Bobby? - Huh?
I have been so selfish.
This is like a scene from a movie or something.
Only it isn't a movie, Bobby.
This is real life.
It's all a movie, baby.
There's the sound guy. There's the script supervisor. How ya doin', baby?
- Bobby? - What?
What I mean is that in real life...
you have to enjoy each moment.
Mmm! Ow!
Bobby.
Bobby!
Can I tell you a secret?
Sure, man.
I see dead people.
Man, this shit is awesome!
Yo, son, we gotta roll some more of that shit!
Ah, shit!
We don't have anymore papers, man.
We don't have anymore papers.
Oh, man! What can we use to make a bong?
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
- Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! - Yeah!
Oh, shit, son!
Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke! Toke!
- This some good shit!
- Bobby! I've never done this before. - What?
It's okay. It's okay.
It's just like... It's like sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop.
- A Tootsie Pop? - Yeah, a cherry-flavor one.
- Oh. - With the fudge in the middle?
- Okay.
Show me now Show me how
How it feels when we're together - Just like that.
I'm afraid if we wait Just like that, baby.
We'll be waiting till forever Ah!
Oh! Jesus!
I never could wait to get to the chewy middle.
- You know what? Let me. - Oh. Okay.
Goddamn!
I'm flyin' solo but don't know if I can stop
Don't ask me why Don't make me lie
Just kick back Just sit back
Enjoy the ride
'Cause I'm a spaceman
Guess it's been a while.
So stay with me
Oh! Oops!
It's very, uh, '70s of you.
Oh, yeah. Oh, Bobby!
Come here, Bobby! I want it now!
Oh, man, am I fuckin' stoned!
Yeah, me too, son.
Hey, you guys hear that?
Oh!
Shh!
Hello?
- Hello. What's your favorite scary movie? - Hello?
Let me talk to her. Shh!
I'm gonna gut you like a pig!
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Yeah! What's my name, Bobby?
What? Ah!
- What's my name, bitch? - Ow! God! It's Cindy!
Whose is it, Bobby? Whose is it, Bobby?
It's yours.
Ahhhhhh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Don't even contest 'Cause I'll make you undress
Like porn dancers waitin' at the front door for an answer
Hey, yo, I'm sick of artificial MCs like silicone titties
Hey, yo, check it, yo. Fucka cheap ball
I wanna smoke Cheech and Chong
And if I wanna fuck long I let my ding-a-long hit the bong
And then the song Always pass the dutchie to the left
Because the right way is wrong
- Whoo-hoo! - I got one. I got one. Here it goes. Ready?
I'm gonna slash and gash Cut another hole in your ass
I spill blood on the walls then play tennis with your balls
If the phone rings don't answer the call
Gonna slit your throat fuck you like a goat
Peel your foreskin off and make a wintercoat Peace!
Yo!
That was the illest rhyme I ever seen, son!
Bobby... where were you tonight?
- What? - I was just curious.
What took you so long to get here?
Why you so curious?
I don't know.
I thought it would fit the '90s horror cliché...
if you turned out to be the killer.
Oh, so, what? You think I killed Buffy and Greg?
Buffy and Greg are dead?
- I thought you knew that. - Oh, my God!
Bobby, turn around! It's the killer!
Cindy!
- Oh, my God! Bobby! Bobby! - Cindy. Help me.
- Bobby, it's okay. - Gimme the gun. Gimme-
It's gonna be okay, Bobby.
Yo, wait for me! There's a killer in the house!
There's ass, blood and guts everywhere!
Someone done gone crazy, son!
- We all go a little crazy sometimes. - Bobby, no!
Oh, shit, son!
Oh, my God!
Cindy, he shot me in the lungs.
You wanna hit this shit?
Ketchup.
Just like my mom puts on her spaghetti, baby.
Oh, my God! Ray, you've gotta help me! Bobby's gone crazy!
Surprise!
Surprise, Cindy!
Why are you doing this, Bobby?
Why? Why? You hear that, Ray?
I think she wants a motive.
- Did Scream have a plot? - No.
Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense?
Don't think so!
What about the sequel? What was with that fat, white Jamaican kid?
- I wanna kill that motherfucker. - It was bad casting, Bobby.
How about this for a motive? Lack of sex!
It can cause serious deviant behavior.
- I thought you loved me. - Oh, I did, baby.
I did. But abstinence can make you discover new things about yourself.
That's right, Cindy. I'm gay.
And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
What? I ain't gay.
- What are you talking about? You took me to that club. - So, they play good music.
- What about our trip to San Francisco, then? - I wanted to go shopping.
- But you made love to me. - No. First of all, you sucked my...
Whatever, Ray! I don't want to talk about this now.
The point is, I'm a new man, and I'm ready to leave all this behind and start a new life.
- So you killed all your friends? - Oh, no.
Just you.
And maybe Shorty, but that wasn't planned or anything.
But here's the genius part.
We're copycatting a serial killer that already exists.
- It's the perfect crime, Cindy. - But wait! There's more!
Hang on to your seat, baby, 'cause this one's a screamer!
- I'll be back. - Uh-oh.
Move your big ass. Come on.
Dad!
What are you gonna do, frame him?
Nah. We're just havin' a little bit of fun with old daddio.
The police are gonna find you and daddy both dead,
and me and Ray are the only survivors of a maniac's revenge.
- You ready? I'm ready. - You ready? I'm ready to do this shit.
- Come on. Come on. All right. - All right.
- Come on! - Give it to me. No!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Ready? All right. Let's do this. - Wait, wait. Ready.
- Come on. Come on. - Ready.
Give it to me!
No! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Remember what we talked about? To the side. - I know.
- How many times we gonna go over this? - Okay.
Stop. Just... All right. Trust me, okay?
- All right. I'm ready. - Trust me. I got this shit. Ready?
- Wait, wait, wait! - I'm about to cut your throat, boy!
Stop acting like a little girl. Come on. Come on!
- You're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, come on! - Come on. You ready?
No! You guys are psychos!
You've seen one too many TV shows!
No! Watching television shows doesn't create psycho killers!
Cancelin' TV shows does!
The Wayans Brothers was a good show, man!
It was a good-ass show, and we didn't even get a final episode!
Take it easy! I'm feelin' a little woozy here!
It's my turn. Give me the knife.
Fuck outta here. Ain't nobody stabbin' me.
Surprise, Cindy!
All right, all right. Hold on a second.
Just give me a moment. Ah. One...
Oh, yeah. That's it.
Ah. Okay.
Dad!
Are you okay?
I thought I told you not to have a party unless I was here.
But, Dad, you were here. You were in the closet.
Oh, yeah, that's right. Did you get some girlfriends' numbers for me?
- Dad, they're dead. - Ah, you know, I can't get a break.
What's that? Is that the cops?
Okay, okay, listen, honey. Help me up now.
Uh... Uh-lf the cops come, tell 'em I'm a plumber, okay?
You had a leaky faucet, and you called, and they sent me over. We don't know each other.
No! No!
Dad, Dad, put your arms down.
- What the hell's goin' on here? - Sheriff, it's a bloodbath in there.
- He was right here! I swear it! - Who was?
The killer! The guy that murdered all my friends!
And the sick bastard planted drugs all in the house there.
- All over the place. - Dad. Stop it.
All right, Cindy. I'm gonna have to take you down to the station.
I'm cool, though, right?
- I'm okay? - Let's... Let's go, Cindy.
Cindy. Call me.
Daddy'll get you out, honey.
Okay. Let's go over this again.
- You say it was an accident. - Yes.
- He was on the road. - And you think he came back to get revenge?
- It has to be him, Sheriff.
Here, Sheriff. They wanted me to give this to you.
- That'll be all, Doofy. - Okay.
- I'm gonna go, then. All right. - All right.
Bye, Cind.
I'm sorry, Cindy. It wasn't the man you guys killed.
His name was David Keegan. Some fishermen found his body a few weeks later.
- He's buried in Lakewood Cemetery. - That's impossible.
- Then I don't know who it could be. - He's gotta be someone...
who was connected with all the victims, someone who knew about the accident.
Someone who could move around without being noticed.
Oh, my God.
She used to baby-sit my brother Doofy. He had the biggest crush on her.
It's me, Cind.
'Night, Cind.
- Doofy! - Shit head?
- Have you seen Doofy? - No.
- Have you seen Doofy? Has anybody seen Doofy? - No, Sheriff.
- No. - Yeah. Just went out the back, Sheriff.
Doofy!
He walks alone under the big city lights
He always knows just when the time is right
He never shows what he's thinking He keeps it inside
Because he's too cool for school
He comes alive when the sun goes down
He gets it right You know he's always down
He's got one eye open and his ear to the ground
And he's too cool for school
He's an operator He's a real player
And if you mess with him you know you'll never win
No-o-o-o-o!
Shit, son. Yo, what the deal?
Yo, if y'all watchin' this tape right now,
that means I didn't make it.
Either I'm a prisoner, or worse, dead.
But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you all the rules to survive this situation.
Rule number one: You gotta be quick.
Rule number two: Don't fall down.
And rule number three: Whatever you do, never look back.
Y'all wish me luck.
Snatch and run, y'all!
Come back here, you motherfuckers! Son of a bitch!
This isn't easy for me.
I know we've been together a longtime,
but I found somebody else.
Okay? I'm in love.
Don't look at me like that!
We could still be friends.
You can come into my room whenever you want.
We just can't... No.
No!
Okay, just one time.
Yeah. That's it!
Whoo! Oh!